don't ever want to go back

i have never sunk this low before. never have i felt the way i did. in the 22 years of my life, i have never felt the way i did yesterday. i don't ever want to go back. it's frightening. it's amazing what one can do when in despair. now i'm beginning to understand why people take their own lives. no one can help me but myself. i need to stand up again. i just hope it's sooner rather than later.

lost..... and yet to be found

who is that person staring right back at me in the mirror? i've changed so much over the past 3 months i hardly recognize who i am anymore. unhappy everyday, even smiling takes effort. i miss those days where i'm laughing and smiling all the time. i can't even remember how it feels like to be happy anymore. can't remember how it feels like to smile oh so naturally, smile because i wanted to not because i needed to put up a brave front. i'm crumbling inside. i hate the way i'm feeling. i'm trying to move on..... alone. try as i might, i always end up landing back at square one. how does one move on? how do you let go? i WANT to be happy. i DESERVE to be happy. i don't want to be stuck in this dark, lonely place anymore. it's frightening.

if i could do it all over again, i would.

those were the days long gone

reading his posts dated back to 2004 brought back so much memories and feelings that i thought wasn't there anymore. living together really does determine whether one makes it or looses it. the changes that occurred through out these 3 years are drastic especially the change in me. reflecting back, i can see why he's fallen out of love with me. i'm a possessive, control freak! i'm not that way, really. i suppose being insecure is what drove me to this. too late to change anything now, isn't it? no matter how hard i wish to go back and change the way it was..... too late. it's hard to move on but i can make it through this. i must. those were the days long gone.......